A few years ago I would commute to work every day by train. Here are some announcements I collected during these journeys:

Short trains

I would like to apologise for the short formation of the train today. This is due to unavailable stock available. I do apologise for the short formation of the coaches this evening.

A regular conductor

We are just arriving at London Bridge where this service will terminate. Please remember to take all your baggage personal belongings with you. Please don’t forget mobile phones, laptop computers, gloves, scarves, bobbly hats, umbrellas, sandwiches, livestock, artificial limbs. and if you have any children, please take them with you as well. Thank you for travelling with Southern. let’s hope the rest of your day is wonderful.

Pigs

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your conductor speaking. I have a brief announcement for you this evening, how can I put it, well, we have pigs on the line this evening. Once the pigs are cleared we can be on our way as soon as possible

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your conductor speaking. We still have no more news on the pig situation. All I can do is apologise for the delay. Hopefully we will be on our way very soon.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your conductor speaking. Once again I do apologise for the delay on this service. We still haven’t sorted out the problem with the livestock running about on our network. Once again i do apologise for the delay on this service but i actually do not know how long we are going to be here

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your conductor speaking. I am just letting you know there is movement up in front so give it a few minutes and we will be on our way. Once again i do apologise for the delay on our service this evening

This was the last we ever heard about the pig situation.